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Summary of 20240324#

Preface#

It's been a long time since I sat down to write an article. One important reason is that I often find it difficult to continue writing because I feel that my articles are not smooth and I don't know how to express some thoughts and emotions. I get stuck and can't write a complete article. I always write whatever comes to mind without considering any structure or outline. On the other hand, I don't have enough patience to write an article.
Today is the weekend, and I have a lot of thoughts bothering me. I hope to be able to stick to a weekly update in the future.

Breakup#

My girlfriend broke up with me and blocked all my contact information. Later, I added her back on Alipay, and I still keep everything about us (photos, videos, call recordings, cups she drank from). I told her that I will come back to her when I make enough money, with a goal of 1 million. She agreed, although she was just humoring me. But I pretended that she really agreed, fantasizing that we would have a final outcome. Regardless, it's always good to have some hope. The breakup made me busy with work quickly. If we hadn't broken up, I might not have been able to devote myself to work like this. When work is slow, I have more time to think about the future and the things I want to do but haven't done yet. Before the breakup, we would talk or video call each other every morning, noon, and night, talking about love and feelings. But my mind was not focused on work during that time. Fortunately, I had a lot of free time and not much work, so it didn't affect me much.

After the breakup, I always think that she will be pursued by many people. Although her circle is not big, one day she will forget about me, go on blind dates, make friends, and meet other men. Maybe one day she will go on a blind date and the other guy will be better than me, and they will get along well. But when we were together, I treated her well and raised her standards. It would be better for her to be with someone better than me, and it wouldn't be a bad thing.

Her store manager is also from the 90s, young and a native of Guangzhou. He owns a rented building and I don't know how much they communicate, but there are only her and her store manager in the store. It's possible for them to develop feelings over time, and she is attractive. Thinking about this, I feel a sense of frustration, a sense of being inferior to others. In Guangzhou, owning a building, I probably won't be able to earn as much money in my lifetime. But it's funny that I would think of something that hasn't happened yet. Maybe I'm still too attached to her.

Although she is not my first love, I always feel that she is my first woman. During the honeymoon period, she would hold my hand when we met, and it felt very loving. This is an experience that my first love didn't give me. We have truly spent time together and done many things together. We cooked together, played sports together, visited parks together, rode the Ferris wheel together, and she has even been to my city. There were two times when I arrived at her place very late, and she would come out to pick me up. I still remember her eager eyes, which I really liked. I feel that we are like a young couple.

But if I think rationally, she is not really suitable for marriage yet. She still needs to grow. She doesn't have her own opinions and doesn't know much about her thoughts and plans. Considering her past experiences, such as her parents choosing her vocational school and major, and dropping out of high school, it seems that her family arranged everything for her. When she didn't receive her salary at work, her sister helped her file a lawsuit to get it back... A girl without her own opinions is more easily swayed. For example, she has mentioned breaking up several times, influenced strongly by her family's opposition. But I persuaded her and won her back. Although I managed to win her back, I already have a fixed impression of her. My mood fluctuates with her leaving and coming back, and I don't feel secure. Even though I won her back this time, I can't guarantee that she won't leave again someday. She is always indecisive in her choices, which is probably related to my lack of material conditions. But it is also the consequence of her lack of opinions. I remember when I first met her, she was willing to rent a house with her future partner. But her family kept nagging her, saying that she should find someone better while she's young. Maybe her initial requirements for a partner have always been in line with her family's expectations. I often think, if I had a house, would this relationship be smoother... Unfortunately, life doesn't have any "ifs".

She is physically weak and easily catches a cold. This is something I can accept now. It's not a big problem as long as it's not a serious illness or pain that will affect the rest of her life. But from a practical and utilitarian perspective, being physically weak means she can't do physical work. One day, I also fell ill and worried that she wouldn't be able to take care of children and elderly people, and couldn't support a family. I remember she asked me if I could support a family. I forgot how I answered at that time, but my answer probably wasn't very certain. Her lack of decisiveness towards me is also related to this. But thinking about how she has been physically weak since childhood, often catching a cold, feeling cold even with a fan on a hot day, and not getting enough nutrition, only eating a piece of duck meat for a meal... Thinking about this, I really feel sorry for her. I really want to take good care of her.

Apart from her physical weakness and lack of opinions, I actually like everything else about my ex-girlfriend. She doesn't have much planning or ideas about work, but she is hardworking. She only has two days off a month and works from 10 am to 7 pm. By the time she returns to her place, it's already 8 pm. She doesn't have any bad habits and her only hobby is playing table tennis. She doesn't have a strong desire for material things and lives a simple life. She doesn't spend money recklessly, doesn't like to party, and is even a bit socially anxious. I think after getting married, she will be a good wife and mother. I hope that in the future, I will be the one working outside and she will be taking care of the children at home.

Confusion#

Work#

Being single allows me to focus more on my work, but I am becoming more and more tired of my current job. I feel that I can't continue like this anymore. The work is becoming more and more stressful. I used to have half a day to slack off, but now the work is more demanding. Once I have free time, new tasks are assigned to me quickly. The most painful thing is that I am just playing a role as a bricklayer, a true programmer in the real sense. I can't accumulate any industry experience. My technical skills are limited to writing SQL, mostly simple queries. I feel secure doing this kind of simple work that I can handle. I find it challenging and uneasy to deal with more difficult tasks. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Growth mindset tells me to leave my comfort zone and accept more challenges, but I haven't been able to take action... or maybe I don't have the ability? I still prefer easy and simple work, but if it's too easy and simple, how can I increase my salary?

So I have had many thoughts of working independently, especially after promising my ex-girlfriend that I will come back to her when I make 1 million. I don't really want to continue working in a regular job and I realize that there are many limitations to being an employee. Life has many other possibilities. I want to do cross-border business, engage in small businesses. Sometimes I browse Zhihu and 36Kr to see what new opportunities and side businesses are available. But I have only been reading and haven't taken any action. My direction is still very vague... I have seen too many examples of people who quit their jobs and thought they had a way out.

I was born in 1992, 32 years old this year, and still working for an outsourcing company. I think this is a very dangerous situation. I have been in this industry for more than two years, but I haven't learned much in terms of technology, and the project experience I have accumulated may not be transferable if I leave this platform or the banking industry. I always think about this problem when I feel anxious about my work, but I can't solve it. I am trapped in the current situation but can't escape from it.

Job-hopping#

Since this year, I have been thinking about leaving, but my business and technical skills are not up to par. Especially in the highly competitive job market in the Guangdong-Hong Kong-Macao Greater Bay Area, it's even more difficult. I am also afraid of technical interviews. From the information I learned from WeChat groups, it has always been difficult to find a job in Guangdong and Hong Kong. With my current level, even if I manage to get hired, I may not be able to handle the job well. That's what I think. But my current job is also not stable anymore, so I have to think about my future sooner or later.

Education#

To specialize in this field, I need to get a bachelor's degree. I registered for self-study back in 2022, but I only passed the political theory and modern history exams. A year or two ago, I still had some motivation, but in the past year or two, I have lost some of my drive. I don't have the same determination as before. News reports show that more and more people are taking the postgraduate entrance exam, and the value of a degree is decreasing. By the time I actually obtain a degree, I will probably be close to 35 years old, and the probability of finding a good job with just a bachelor's degree will be very low, approaching zero. I don't have much hope for it anymore. I have started to have this kind of thinking, so I can't follow through with this matter. But having a degree is still better than not having one, although it shouldn't be my main focus in daily life.

Learning#

I have noticed that many things I want to do end up being abandoned halfway. I have been enrolled in the "Han Shunping Java Advanced" course for two years now, but I haven't watched a complete episode yet. I can only download all the videos from Xiaoe Tech and upload them to Alibaba Cloud to watch them later. I don't know when this "later" will be. I really hope to have another "idle" period this year so that I can have paid time to watch the course systematically. I find it difficult to find time to study in my spare time, and I have too many thoughts and too much content to learn.

Java#

Han Shunping Java Advanced

Financials#

I currently have only 20,000 in savings, with 980,000 left to reach 1 million. Let's set a small goal first, save 50,000, then 100,000, and then the second 100,000, and finally 500,000.

Health#

In the past two years, I have easily felt tired and fatigued. Even though the workload is not heavy, I easily feel sleepy in the afternoon at work. I stay up late, but not for too long. I usually go to bed before 1 am. In the earlier years, the first one or two years after graduation, staying up late was common. Whether it was playing with my phone or being busy with work, staying up late didn't affect my work and life the next day too much. I could still stay energetic. But now, I can't go back to the past. I feel the laws of nature. As I get older, my energy is not as good as before.

Social Life#

From childhood to adulthood, I have always been the more proactive one in interpersonal relationships. Maybe I have a people-pleasing personality? But I think in the future, I need more time alone. I shouldn't immediately look for someone to chat with as soon as I feel lonely. Others can't solve my current pain, and it's a waste of time to interact with others instead of enriching my own time.